Hot Milk!

Breastfeeding is cool.  It just is.  I’m a big fan.  When I was pregnant with our first baby, it was Mister Husband who first broached the idea of me breastfeeding.  I didn’t have a strong opinion on it one way or the other.  Like a lot of people, it has to be pointed out.  So I decided I would “give it a go” and do it for the duration of my maternity leave at least.  A lot of things about pregnancy, birth and motherhood surprised me.  I surprised me.  

 I hit the three month mark, then it was six months, soon after that the first year was celebrated and we were still going strong.   One of the things I wasn’t prepared for was how much I would enjoy breastfeeding.  I’m quite territorial when it comes to my newborn babies.  I’m not a fan of everybody having “a hold” of them in the hospital.  They stay with me, thank you very much.  For me breastfeeding was a sort of extension of that.   I learned the basics, like the proper latch, not to bother timing feeds, to always feed on demand, and as time went on, I learned a little bit more.  Hardly a day went by in the early days where I didn’t learn something either of casual interest or of scientific value.  The human body never ceases to amaze me.  I love how it prepares to nourish from the moment of conception.  Your body is putting down the groundwork to feed your baby before you even know you’re pregnant. Now that’s cool!  I thought I’d share some of my other favourite cool things about breastfeeding.  (Not in order)

o   It’s free and it’s perfectly tailor made by me for my baby.  There is never a need to worry about whether he’s “getting enough.”  Screecher Creature No. 1 was more or less exclusively breastfed for 13 months.  Ok, so there was the odd toilet roll insert thrown in for variety, maybe the corner of the phone book and no newspaper was safe while he was around, but breast milk was what mostly sustained him.  

o   Anyone from a farming background?  Then you’ll be familiar with “beestings.”  Us humans produce beestings too, except sophisticated bunch that we are, someone decided to call it colostrum.  This “liquid gold” is my baby’s first food.  My milk won’t actually come in for 3 to 5 days after birth but colostrum is all my baby needs till then.  His little tummy is no bigger than a marble anyway and this is the perfect first food for him.  Colostrum is a natural laxative and helps flush all that meconium out of my baby’s body too!   

o   Breast milk is always on tap and at the perfect temperature. No getting up in the middle of the night and stumbling around in the dark, going to the kitchen and slicing my foot open on a piece of Lego.  I just lift Screecher Creature No. 4 from his bed, climb back into mine and we’re both happy out.

o   Have baby, will travel.  Got to pop out at the last minute?  No bother, just fire a nappy into my bag and head off to do the errand.

o   Roaring, screaming crying baby?  I’ve always plugged mine in for instant peace and quiet.   I know a couple of momma’s who have fed their baby during a vaccination.  Not a peep out of them.  The baby’s I mean.  The momma’s always cringed!

o   When Screecher Creature No. 4 was very wee and crying to be fed, I got stressed if I was tending to the others and couldn’t get to him immediately.  But as soon as I latched him on, a sense of peace and calm would wash over me.  It still does.  This is because endorphins and oxytocin, the feel good hormones are released during breastfeeding.  You are statistically less likely to suffer from Post Natal Depression if you breastfeed.  We all know that didn’t happen to me.  Twice.  But who knows how bad it could have been had I not been breastfeeding.  And two out of four ain’t bad!

o    Breastfed babies are less likely to suffer from ear infections.  This is due to the sucking action assisting the opening of the Eustachian tube –  where all that yucky fluid tends to become lodged (glue ear), thus reducing middle ear infections. 

o   During hot weather (aye, even in Ireland!) or on holidays in a hot climate, my breast milk will change in consistency, ensuring that my baby will never go thirsty.  Another interesting fact in this area.  If my baby is too warm or chilly, my breast will change in temperature to keep him comfortable. 

o   Breast milk changes from feed to feed.  And during feed to feed.

o   Breast milk is the perfect cure for sticky eye.

o   I can eat what I like when breastfeeding and still lose weight.

o   My milk carries the taste of my last meal so when my baby gets his chops around solid food, he is more likely to have a broader palate.

o   If I’ve got a cold coming on, my body will produce antibodies which will be passed on to my baby through my milk, providing a “home made” antibiotic to fight off the bug.

o   Here come the science bits.   My breast milk has a high lactase level which is important for the development of my baby’s brain.  Cow’s milk has high protein levels because the calf needs to physically grow quickly in order to keep up with his mother.  The milk of a whale has a high fat content as the calf needs to build up a thick layer of blubber very quickly. 

o   Listen to this one!  A donkey’s milk is closest to human milk in comparison when it comes to composition.  How mad is that??  So why then, is cow’s milk so popular with us humans?  Cinch.  They’re easy to herd and produce large volumes of milk. 

o   Another little bit of science.  Research shows that breastfeeding can protect a mother from certain female cancers.  In the case of breast cancer, the risk decreases by 4.3% for every 12 months of breast feeding.  So if you nurse more than one child for the same length of time, or longer, the percentage just gets higher.  (La Leche League)

o   Breast feeding can be used as a method of contraception.  And before you ask, no, I wouldn’t trust it either.  But if my baby is under 6 months of age, still exclusively breastfed, (this means no dummies, no bottles, even of expressed breast milk) and not going for more than 4 hours during the day and 6 hours at night between feeds, I have a 98% chance of not falling pregnant.  This, by the way, is called LAM – Lactational Amenorrhea.  No, I can’t pronounce it either but isn’t it amazing what the body gets up to in order to ensure survival of the fittest.

o   In keeping with the above point, my baby, through nursing, controls the release of the hormones that are necessary to kick start ovulation.  Back in the hunter/gatherer days, a woman would have breastfed her baby for up to three years.  When her cycle returned, she would become pregnant again.  So it could be another three years before her cycle starts up again.  These women would have had extended periods of LAM.  Scientists believe that through not having the modern day mood swings and PMS due to the absence of these menstrual hormones, it possibly leaves the female reproductive organs less vulnerable to ovarian, endometrial and breast cancer.  Doubly cool, eh?

o   And my favourite! I know you’ve heard of the breast stroke, but do you know about the breast crawl?  A newborn baby is at his most alert for about 40 minutes in the first hour of his life.  His arms flail, he locks eyes with his mother, and his sense of smell is heightened.  This is all part of the bonding process.  But back to the flailing arms and keen sense of smell.  A newborn can smell his mother’s breast and will, literally, crawl to his mother’s nipple in search of food.  That’s what the flailing of the arms is all about; the propelling action helps the baby arrive at his destination.      

At the end of the day folks, we’re all animals.  I realise it’s not always as simplistic as just listening to your body and it will tell you what to do.  Sometimes a little help is needed, no matter how unexpected the stumbling block.  But you could do a lot worse.  A lot worse indeed. 

The One That Flew Away

I’ve thought long and hard about this one.  I didn’t quite know how to approach it as it’s quite a personal experience and can be very different for everyone.  I worried about upsetting those who didn’t react the way I did and quite possibly offending others with my attitude.  I’m talking about miscarriage.  In particular, “my” miscarriage and by “owning it”, I’m hoping I will not be judged or criticized for my feelings.  I wrote a couple of different accounts of my experience.  This is my third.  The one I am going to share with you.  I’m still not sure how to go about it.  Do people want a medical account, a personal account, a partner’s account, or should I combine all three?  The one thing that did strike me was how differently people are affected by it.  My husband reacted very differently to me.  Some might be of the opinion that our reactions should have been reversed.  You see, my husband grieved.  I did not.  I had a miscarriage, it physically happened to me, so naturally I was affected by it.  I was very disappointed by our loss but I didn’t grieve.  I accepted that it just wasn’t the right time for us.

I have the utmost respect for Mother Nature and truly believe that all things happen for a reason.   I know this is how I was able to make my peace with my body’s loss.   

My husband surprised me with a very uncharacteristic statement after I had given birth to our first child.  He told me he hates pregnancy and cannot rest until both of us are safely delivered of each other.  Having had a very happy and healthy pregnancy followed by a normal and straightforward birth, as far as I was concerned, he was worrying and stressing unnecessarily.  I didn’t understand how he felt until I was expecting our second son.  And our third and fourth.  I spent the first trimester of each of those pregnancies on knicker watch, not expecting to find, but waiting nonetheless, for spotting.  Those little drops of blood that can signify all is not well in uturo.  Our first son was 10 months old when I discovered I was pregnant for the second time. 

On New Year's Eve I came belting down the stairs waving a freshly pee’d on stick at Mister Husband who was lying on the couch.  He leapt up, hugged me and kissed me and Only Child Screecher Creature looked on at the two nutters like we had lost it!  So on New Year's Eve five years ago, we discovered I was about 5 weeks nearer to birthin'.

Life went on and a month later I attended my GP for a routine check up. There was a locum attending and I found him to be quite unfriendly.  He made me feel silly coming in for a check up when I was only 10 weeks and hadn’t had a scan yet.  I told him I was just following my usual doctor’s instructions.

That evening I noticed some period like discomfort which I thought was odd but soon forgot about it as Mister Husband was heading off to a class.  Later on there was some blood and I knew by the colour what was more than likely happening.  

When Mister Husband came home, I waited until we were in bed before I mentioned it to him.  We were both very calm and matter of fact, both of us in our own way, accepting the inevitable even though there was no pain or anything like that.  Because I was lying down, the bleeding stopped over night but once I was up and about the following morning, it began again so I rang the GP.  I was dreading getting the locum but I was put straight through to the nurse and I explained what was happening. She said it sounded like a miscarriage or it could be a threatened miss.  Her advice to me was to go and lie down, take it easy to see if the bleeding would stop.  It never occurred to me to ask her what could I expect to happen if it was indeed a miscarriage.  Unfortunately I was to find out.  Mister Husband came home from work to mind our son and I took to my bed.  I managed to snooze on and off, the bleeding was getting slightly heavier but still no cramping.

At about 5pm that afternoon cramping started and I needed to get to the bathroom pretty quickly.  There followed a long and very uncomfortable 50 minutes where I passed an enormous and frightening volume of blood.  It was impossible to deny what was happening to my body.  The cramping was slightly stronger now and when I was able to, I got my phone and rang my GP.  The nurse had left for the weekend and I was advised to ring the hospital.  They asked me was I sure I was having a miscarriage.  I told them I had lost a lot of blood and passed several large clots.  Convinced, they told me to come straight away and be prepared to stay overnight. That stopped me in my tracks.  For the first time, I felt panicked.  “But I’ve got a baby.”  I blurted out. “And I’m breastfeeding.”  It was quickly established, by them, that my baby was almost a year old and all of a sudden their concern changed back to brisk business as usual.  How were they to know that I had never been apart from my boy and was fretting over it?  I hung up the phone and had a little cry out of sheer panic.  How on earth was I going to leave him overnight and for the first time ever!!  I think it was a delayed reaction to what was happening with my body. 

I was freaking out over his bath time/bedtime/defrosting expressed breast milk from the freezer, anything other than the task at hand.  Mister Husband had taken him for a walk so I rang him and quickly filled him in.  He engulfed me in a brief hug as soon as he came in the door.  I started to fling overnight stuff into a bag, still visiting the loo frequently.  By the time I was ready and had our son’s night clothes packed to bring with us so Mister Husband could get him ready for bed in the hospital, it took well over an hour to arrive at our destination. 

I didn’t think it was possible to loose any more blood, in fact, I thought the worst was over and the flow would have slowed down but I was wrong.  Maybe it was due to the fact that I was sitting down but it started up again and despite the provisions I had made for it, I was soaked within minutes. 

I had to get out of the car with what the medical profession called “pregnancy product” coming out of the leg of my trousers.  I walked like John Wayne in a Western, with blood everywhere, squelching out of my shoes and trailing behind me on the floor.  I stood there with everyone in A&E looking at the sorry state of me as I was told I would have to go to gynae upstairs.  I pointed out that I was bleeding heavily and was making a mess on their floor.

Someone found a wheelchair for me then and I was turbo speeded up to gynae where everything was cut off me, bagged and binned.  Nothing was salvageable.  A quick scan confirmed that the sac was empty and I was in the throes of a dramatic miscarriage!!   A doctor asked me if I had “saved any product from home.”  Surgery was mentioned in the event that the bleeding didn’t stop and a form was produced.  I didn’t get a chance to read it, instead I was shown where they had X’d the spot I was to sign.  A couple of lines above that there was some wording to the tune of “anything retained from surgery was to be property of the hospital and the lab.”  It was all very disconcerting but I knew that my pregnancy was over and signed the form.  A drip was magiced up from somewhere, a couple of bags of blood were on standby due to the amount of blood I had lost and I was given a nice jab in the bum to stem the bleeding.  I then had what was very similar to a mini smear.  All the while Mister Husband was told to stay outside in the corridor.  He had no idea what was happening to me.  All I had left behind in the car was a sodden seat and the last he saw of me was my back as they ran with me to gynae. 

Finally I was brought to a ward where I was re-united with a very scared and upset Mister Husband and our lovey, lovely boy.

I was still operating on auto pilot and as it was getting late, I asked Mister Husband to get our son into his night clothes.  We had been at the hospital for a while, he was tired and they were probably going to have to go home soon.   Things started to go blurry suddenly and everything started to sound like it was very, very far away.  I began to shake.  I could feel myself loosing all sense of what was going on, a very weird sensation.  I could hear Mister Husband calling me from afar.  I saw him grab our half naked son and run for a nurse.  Through my eyes this was all happening in slow motion.  The nurse got me to lie down which was easy as I was halfway there already. My blood pressure had dropped dramatically.  A couple of doctors came in to check my "bandages" and as the bleeding wasn't stopping they decided there and then that surgery was the only way to go.  So I was prepped for a visit to theatre for 10pm to have a D&C. 

I remember someone rousing me and when I opened my eyes a nurse was wiping a tear from my cheek.  I had no idea I was crying.  She told me everything went well and I would be brought back to the ward shortly.   I fell into a deep sleep despite the drip inserted in the back of my hand.    

I was in the car and on my way home by 11.30 the following morning.  The entire thing over and done with in less than 24 hours.  How fragile human life is.     

More than one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage for any number of reasons.  It is never anyone’s fault.  Although for some people, this is a mere platitude.  Some women grieve for long periods of time, often finding it difficult or impossible to even contemplate conceiving again.  And when they do, guilt wracks them.  For some odd reason, I scoured the Pregnancy Loss board on a parenting site I frequent.  I never felt like I identified with anyone there but I felt drawn to it nonetheless.  Once, Mister Husband asked me to stop talking about it.  He found it too upsetting.  And I think he addressed the problem head on with that statement.  Oftentimes the support out there is for the woman and the woman alone.  The men, the fathers to be, are brushed to one side and as in the case of my husband, they can feel the loss all too keenly.  This was driven home too in the hospital.  The nurse that was on the night shift came in to see me before she finished up and went home the following morning.  Mister Husband and Only Child Screecher Creature were there to take me home.  The nurse commented on how much better I looked after “my ordeal” the night before and reminded me that I had been in a bad way.  Nobody said anything to Mister Husband.   It was as if he hadn’t been a part of it.  When I became pregnant again, for the third time but with our second son, he couldn’t relax until the pregnancy was well under way.  He has spoken off and on about the miscarriage and once, when I was trying to figure out how old an acquaintance’s child was, he knew straight away.  Because, he said, their boy was born around the same time our miscarried baby would have been.  It was then I realised how much he had been affected by it.  I had all but put it out of my mind.  Of course, I was affected by it because it happened to me, but I had very much gotten on with my life and the pregnancy that happened three months later.  If I were to sit down and do the sums on my fingers, I would have that lost date of birth as well, but Mister Husband doesn’t have to think about it.            

People are funny and life is funnier.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for the events that take place.  For me, I literally picked myself up, dusted myself down and got on with things.  I was back in the office on Monday.  But that’s me.  I still feel today that because I had an early miscarriage, I was able to cope with it.  I know for an absolute fact that had I been for a scan, saw the heartbeat and then for the miscarriage to happen, it would have been a very different experience for me.  A couple of people said I was lucky to have a child already as that softened the loss.  Maybe so.  But naturally enough, as it wasn’t my first pregnancy, I cannot possibly comment on how I might have reacted if that were not the case.  I’m not one bit religious, I prefer to think of myself as spiritual, but for me, it just meant waiting an extra couple of months before Screecher Creature No. 2 came into our lives.  Maybe, but absolutely in this case, some things are worth waiting for.

Depression

Sometimes the good things about motherhood do not outweigh the bad.  Sometimes you get days where your head pounds incessantly, an inner thumping that keeps time with your baby’s crying. Sometimes there are days where you should not drive because you are just too tired.  Sometimes, oftentimes it has to be said, the sheer drudgery of it all makes you want to bury yourself under the duvet, cry yourself out and then sleep for two days solid.  But you can’t because if you were to start crying, there’s a strong possibility that you wouldn’t stop.  And the ironic cruncher; who will look after your kids during this two day sabbatical?

I have had many, many bad days.  Days without adult company or conversation (talking to the telly does not count).  Days without a shower and plenty of days without a change of clothes.

I’ve sat on the side of my bed at 3am in the morning, crying louder and harder than the baby with no-one there to help or hear me. 

I’ve walked the kitchen floors at all hours pushing a buggy in the dark, again crying louder than the baby.

Another time Mister Husband was at a stag and I stood by the window in the spare bedroom at another godforsaken hour, with a sick baby over my shoulder. I was bawling my eyes out hoping the Polish chap across the road having a smoke in his doorway would come over to see was I ok. I was so miserable and lonely I would have talked to anyone!! 

I have been depressed and constantly angry due to lack of sleep and frustrated in the belief that I was doing it alone!

Typically I have not spoken of this depression for fear of people saying or thinking one of two things.  (a) it’s well for you to have the time to be depressed and (b) what have you got to be depressed about?  Haven’t you got a roof over your head, a car under you, four healthy children and enough food to feed them?

And a little part of me, believed that as well.  I didn’t want to admit that everything wasn’t rosy in the garden.  The last thing I wanted was for people to think that I couldn’t cope.  I thought it was a normal part of motherhood.  Our second son wasn’t sleeping well at night due to painful teething and a particularly bad bout of chicken pox.  It was to be expected.  Feeling weepy, having no appetite, experiencing irrational anger at the world and everyone in it, racing thoughts, feeling hopeless, the list went on for me.  I had no control over the horrible thoughts about my kids’ safety that popped, without warning, into my head at any time day or night. 

One day I was reading a magazine article; my heart began to beat faster and my breathing changed.  It was as if they were talking about me.  And they had a name for it.  They called it Post Natal Depression.  I read the check list again and ticked all of the boxes.  So I wasn’t going mad after all.  It came as a relief to know I wasn’t irrational and just feeling sorry for myself.  

But I still didn’t talk about it.  Then our third baby arrived. He wasn’t a great sleeper either and when the same symptoms raised their ugly head at 7 months post partum, I told myself it would pass like it did the last time. 

The black dog was back and I just (about) carried on with daily life without seeking any help.  I cried on my way to crèche with the boys, but just a little bit so no-one would know.  I waited until I was on the journey home before I really let go. Sometimes I used to get into the shower just so I could bawl my eyes out and my face wouldn’t be puffy afterwards.  I used to lock myself into the downstairs bathroom of an evening and “get it out of my system” before Mister Husband came home.  Then I would avoid looking directly at him so he wouldn’t know I’d been crying.  The distressing and frightening thoughts of someone breaking into our home when we were sleeping to hurt our kids were back.  Again, I waited it out.  And made everyone miserable in the process.              

When you’re tired everything is hard.  But I resented everyone, especially Mister Husband.  I honestly hated him sometimes.  He got to leave home for the day, do one single job and return at an expected time.  God help him if he didn’t give me a detailed account of his day the absolute second he got in the door.    “Fine.” “Good.” and “ok” did not count.  Mere words.  I wanted interaction.  Sentences.  Long ones.  A funny story or two complete with appropriate facial expressions. I didn’t even give him time to take his coat off.

I dreaded the sound of his footsteps coming up the stairs.  The bed was my refuge, both physically and mentally.  It was the only place, at the end of a 15 hour day, that I could call my own where I had both physical and mental space.

Even though I would never, ever do anything to deliberately hurt any of our children, on occasion, I found myself handling them more roughly than I should have. We've all been pushed to our limits and find it necessary to step back for 10 minutes to calm down.

I am of the opinion that it is very important for a mother to be able to say these things because they are normal. And I know it's normal.  First time mams may not realise this and feel that they are doing a bad job. It's important to support each other and be honest about how hard raising children can be!! I am not, nor will I be the only mother to go through this.
All mothers experience these emotions in some shape of form at some stage or another.  Anyone who says they don’t is lying and must be avoided at all costs. If they are, indeed telling the truth, they appear regularly in tabloid magazines, thus have a “team” at their disposal to help them over these stumbling blocks.

When things get tough, I ask myself two things in relation to our boys.  Am I glad they’re boys because they will never know the torture that is sleep deprivation with their own children?  Or am I sorry they’re boys because they will have to go out and provide for a family of their own one day and God knows that can be torturous too.

And then there’s the guilt for feeling like this when in actuality you have a healthy family and let’s face it, there are thousands of other people with bigger problems and they just get on with things.     

Sometimes advice is like getting two toasters and three electric kettles as wedding presents – both items unwanted, useless because you already have them and slightly insulting because of the obvious lack of thought.  It’s not advice you need when your family is young, it’s help. 

When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I remember women of my mother’s generation passing on pearls of wisdom such as; when you have a baby, you’re on your own girl.  It’s a man’s world was another favourite.  They also said that I’d know all about it when I have kids of my own.  More recently, an MDs wife told me she could be lying on the floor blocking their way out of the house (they being her two sons and husband) and they would still step over her on their exit. 

I used to wonder how some of these women had become so jaded.  What had happened to make them so negative, so pessimistic, so miserable?

Now I know.  It’s called motherhood. 

On the bad days, when you think, is this what I signed up for?  For the rest of my life?  Are you serious?????  Take deep breaths.  Many of them.  Hyperventilate if you need to.  Remind yourself that it is all a phase and that this too shall pass.

Post Natal Depression is an illness.  There is help available.  Some people prefer on line support and others find it necessary to go to their GP. I have a lovely GP who sat and listened to me and continues to check up on me whenever I attend the surgery for other ailments.  When I felt the clawing hands of depression reaching for me last winter, I got pro-active.  There was no way I was going to go through this again.  I was a text book case for Ante Natal Depression as our last baby was a traumatic delivery, we had moved house and, like a lot of other people, we were experiencing money difficulties.  Unfortunately, I had a very unsatisfactory session with the psychiatrist I was referred to and I opted not to return.  Thankfully, things lifted of their own accord, but no thanks to someone who was unprofessional and unhelpful in his approach to a breastfeeding and pregnant mother. 

I am not a miserable human being, I swear I am not.  But I recognize how my body works and know what upsets it.  Lack of sleep is a huge factor for me. It has a knock on effect.

Even if you are lucky enough to get adequate sleep after childbirth, the huge hormonal shift in your body during pregnancy and the massive dip immediately following childbirth can play havoc with your emotions.  Odd things can happen and it is important to understand this. 

It took two episodes of PND and a brief encounter with AND before I spoke about it to anyone other than Mister Husband. No-one looked at me with scorn.  They asked pertinent and intelligent questions and told me they were sorry to hear I had gone through that.   

When our fourth son was born eight months ago, I took measures in an effort to keep the horrors at bay.  I researched a good supplement with Omega oils, I started to exercise again and tried to eat healthily.

For a while I lived in fear of the depression returning but our fourth son slept for hours at a time from the word go.  When he was two and a half months old, he began sleeping through the night.  This was unheard of for Mister Husband and I and we joked that we were over due a good one.  So far, I am ok this time round.  I have had the odd week or two where I felt overwhelmed but Mister Husband steps into the breach when this happens and up to now I’ve managed to keep my head above water.

I would like to reiterate that Post Natal Depression and Ante Natal Depression are both illnesses in their own right.  They can affect anyone from any socio economic background, any culture and at any time.  Both can be experienced with a first baby but not on the second or third and vice versa.  Support is vital.  The trouble with a depression of any ilk is the tendency to keep it contained.  Someone with depression can function perfectly well on a daily basis but inside, are wrestling with their emotions.  Or the opposite of that and loose touch with their emotions.  If you find yourself ticking only one box on that Depression check list, don’t accept you’re ok if that one little thing is controlling your life.  It is normal to struggle for a couple of days but when those two days run into two weeks, it is time to seek help.  Reach out.  To anyone.  Get out of the house.  Don’t confine yourself.  Even if all you do is drag a brush through your hair, do that much.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  Start small.  Do as much as you are able and no more.  Leave the housework.  Don’t try to be superwoman.  The dust and dirt will always be there but those precious moments with your child when they are young, will not.      

Kids are great.  Really they are.  They bring so much to your life.  And when you are in the horrors, tell yourself that your child needs you.  But even more so, you need you.

That is my honest opinion and personal account.  Not my best work, and I have done things that I am ashamed of  but we have to remind ourselves that Mammies are born, not made.

My Caesarean Birth Story

I was feeling very anxious for an unknown reason in the run up to my EDD which was 4^th August 2009.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I would not see that EDD, I was preparing for week 39. 

As it turned out, I gave birth via emergency caesarean section two weeks and one day early.  It was late on Sunday night and I had been asleep.  My mobile woke me. It was a phone call from my mother in law to say that my sister in law had given birth two hours previously to her first baby.  I remember hanging up the phone and smiling in the dark, delighted for the new parents and thinking how excited they must be feeling.  I was still smiling on my way to the bathroom and wondering should I go downstairs to inform Mister Husband that he was an uncle or wait till he came up to bed.  It was our seventh wedding anniversary and he was enjoying a drink, albeit solitary, downstairs.

 I didn’t get a chance to decide.  I finished my wee and immediately there was an audible “pop” followed by a steady release of fluid.  I was delighted with myself.  There go my waters I thought, fancy that.  What are the chances of two first cousins being born within hours of each other?  And two boys as well.  This is going to be great!  But hold on, surely I should be finished leaking at this stage.  I knew I was retaining a lot of water but this was ridiculous.  Then it stopped and I prepared to stand up.  It started again and this time I felt a large clot pass.  Straight away I knew this wasn’t right.   My waters hadn’t gone.  I was bleeding.  And heavily. 

I banged on the floor with my foot as hard as I could and heard Mister Husband run upstairs.  “Michelle and Ger have a baby boy,” I told him, “All’s well.  Don’t panic but I’m bleeding.”

“Shit, Gwen.  I’ve been drinking.”

I can still recall being as cool as a cucumber as I issued instructions for the phone.  I was going to ring my sister who would come down to stay with our sleeping sons and Mister Husband was to ring his father for a lift to the hospital.  As soon as my sister was on the way, I called the hospital and explained briefly what was happening to me.  I was told I could not wait the twenty minutes for my sister to arrive at our house and then travel another 40 minutes to the hospital.  I was haemorrhaging and needed to travel to the hospital via ambulance and Mister Husband could follow me.        

I grabbed my dressing gown, stuck three maternity pads in my pants, Mister Husband grabbed my hospital bag and within 10 minutes, the ambulance was outside our front door.  I could still feel the blood and knew from a previous haemorrhage that I could pass out.  I concentrated on my breathing as the lovely paramedic helped me into the ambulance, and took my details.  I could feel the beginnings of very mild cramps and despite the air of urgency, I was excited.  I was going to meet my baby!

We arrived at the hospital and I was put on a monitor straight away.  When Mister Husband arrived we asked our questions.  The bleeding wasn’t stopping and there was a strong possibility that I would give birth via caesarean section. It came as a shock as I had had two previous normal births and naturally enough, never entertained for a second that this would not be the case again.  My head was still dealing with all of this new information but I managed to convey that it was of the utmost importance, both to me and Mister Husband, that skin to skin contact should be immediate after delivery and breastfeeding should be initiated as soon as possible.  We were reassured that this would be the case in any event.  I couldn’t explain it, but I felt a strong need to repeat my wishes and stress that they be carried out.  In the event, of course, that I was going to be sectioned.  This still had not been clarified.   

After a short while, another doctor came in, removed the phone from the wall and informed theatre that they were to prepare for an emergency section. Mine. Then she looked at the nurse that had been taking care of me, and asked her for consent forms. 

This was really happening. 

I had to ask them to slow down.  Everything was moving so quickly and it all seemed to be taken out of my hands.  One minute I was being told that there was a possibility of a section and the next; I was shown the baby’s trace and told how he was not doing well.  There was talk of an epidural and how Mister Husband would be coming into theatre with me.   I believe less than hour had passed at this stage.

Obviously the severity of the situation dictated that a section was the only way to go and I signed the consent form, gave it a kiss, and handed it over.  At least, I thought, I would be awake and get to hold my baby immediately. 

On the way to theatre however, I was not looking forward to the inevitable sensation of a surgeons hands pulling and tugging my baby out of my belly and into the world.

Theatre is always a scary place.  It’s so sterile, shiny and bright.  And all those masked faces with smiley eyes.  The fact that you are lying on your back, in an extremely vulnerable position, does not help matters either.  Still though, me being me, I decided to help them and obligingly started to roll over, all the better for them to stab me in the back with their epidural needle.  I just wanted it over and to have my baby in my arms.

Suddenly the goal posts started to move again and this was before any drugs had been administered so it wasn’t blurry vision.

There was no need for me to roll over apparently as I was going to have a general anaesthetic.  My arm was being tightly secured in a tourniquet and the back of my hand smartly rapped as a voice without a body sternly informed me that my baby was in danger and had to be delivered immediately.  There was no time to administer an epidural and then wait up to twenty minutes to see if it would work.  Did I understand?  This was an emergency.  For the first time since I had been wheeled through the hospital doors, I heard the words “placenta abruption.”  It would be two days later before I heard them again, followed by two more, “medical catastrophe.”

Fuuuucccckkkk!!     

What could I do?  Who was going to tell Mister Husband, who was waiting patiently outside the door, that he would not now be allowed into theatre?  I was nodding my head whilst clutching a gas mask as the same voice without a body was telling me to inhale deeply, that I would feel someone pressing on my throat, and just to relax.  Relax now. Relax.  Relaaaaaaxxxx…………….

“Gwen? Gwen?”

I opened my eyes five seconds later to see a tiny bundle dressed in white in Mister Husband’s arms.  Mister Husband was calling my name and handing our son to me for a kiss. 

I can remember smiling like an idiot, kissing both Mister Husband and the baby (our third boy!!!!) asking Mister Husband “how lucky are we?” and then closing my eyes again.

Oh, it was not five seconds later.  It was an hour and a half.  More on this later.

 

Shortly afterwards.

The next few recollections may not be in sequence.  I apologise.  Bear with me.

There is nothing worse than that “I’m going to throw up” feeling.  Except when you are on the flat of your back, unable to move, catheter in place and looking up at a stern faced nurse preparing a syringe.

I was starting to retch.  “I’m going to be sick.  Can you help me up?”  I asked.

“In a minute.” Stern Face continued with her syringe. 

I was visualising vomit on my face and in my hair.  “Can you help me up?  Please?”  I was starting to panic.

Again I was told, in a firmer tone of voice, “In a minute.”

I didn’t have a minute.  “Can you help me up, please?”  This time I was attempting to sit up myself.

“When I’m ready.”  Unbelievably Stern face was still playing with her needle.  But thankfully, she put it down to help me up. 

I learned the next day that Mister Husband had an incident with the same nurse.  Once our son was safely delivered, approximately ten minutes after I disappeared behind those theatre doors, Mister Husband was called in.    He was present all the while our baby was being checked over by a paediatrician who pronounced him hale and hearty.  He shook Mister Husbands hand and left the room.  Mister Husband was then told that I would be a further thirty minutes or so and he was asked to take a seat in the parenting room to wait.  Someone would be out to him shortly.  After an hour when people were coming and going, but nowhere near him, he decided to ask about me.  He met Stern Face who told him she didn’t know and had no way of contacting theatre, before continuing on her way.  At this stage he was beside himself. The thirty minutes had stretched into an hour and a half.  After another search for a nurse and some reassurance, he was finally told that I would be down in five minutes.  This is indeed what happened. 

Later on that same night, Stern Face put pressure on Mister Husband to have our son bottle fed.  He explained to her how important breastfeeding is to me and that I have previously fed two other children for 15 months each.  It was my wish that this baby be breastfed only and unless there was a medical emergency, this was to remain the case.  It was to be my decision and my decision only.   

 

Shortly afterwards again.

Trying to breastfeed.  If this sounds like I was out of it, it’s because I was.  Both of us were.  It’s like a dream to me that I managed to crawl, or maybe I was pulled, into a semi sitting position, to offer my breast to our son.  He half heartedly took it but it seemed, like me, all he wanted to do was sleep.

I wish I had been warned about the unbelievable tiredness that would come afterwards.

Shortly afterwards yet again.

Tea and toast time. Manna.  Absolute manna.

 Please sir?  Can I have some more?

Yet even later.

It was time to decide what to do.  The baby was still too sleepy to feed and I agreed for him to be cup fed in the nursery.  Those two nurses were fantastic.  They were understanding and supportive.  He took one ounce.  It was also time for Mister Husband to go home and tell the big brothers that their little brother had arrived.  We decided to call him Liam.

The Next Day

Monday was a wash out.  Immediately on waking up, I thought of my two boys at home and I began to cry.  I was missing them already.  There was a morphine drip in the back of my hand for my convenience which was a major contributing factor to the incredible tiredness I was feeling.  I even found it hard to talk.  I refused food.  I watched, completely redundant, as Mister Husband and the nurses changed Liam’s nappy and lifted him in and out of the cot in order for me to feed him.  He had to have another top up that day.   If I felt like crap, he must have felt worse.  I wish someone had told me that Diaphene and Ponstan were an alternative to morphine.  In my case, a much better alternative. 

My catheter was removed that afternoon and I was helped out of bed.  To say I felt like a ninety year old woman with severe arthritis, is an understatement.  The sexy white support stockings did nothing for my self esteem either.  I told myself I bore a striking resemblance to Nicole in Home and Away but had more than a sneaking suspicion I was more like poor old Colleen when she goes to Bingo!

I remember hobbling down the corridor clutching the arm of a nurse.  I walked from my ward to the next ward and had to turn around.  I was exhausted.  Never before had I wanted a hot shower as much as I did that evening, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen.  I just was not up to it.  Plus, it was time to get breastfeeding established.  I had to call the nurses when I wanted to feed Liam and although he still wasn’t very interested, I was delighted to discover that it was indeed possible to feed sitting up.  The fact that I still had a nice round belly helped.  I was able to prop him up on that and all the extra padding, protected my wound.

After the first day, things began to get clearer.  I was able to have my shower, but needed a chair to sit on for fear of becoming dizzy.  One nurse told me not to do this alone but another led me into the bathroom and showed me where the alarm was if I needed it.  I was left to my own devices after that.

Thankfully all my fears about breastfeeding post caesarean proved to be unfounded.  Liam was feeding well once we got down to business.  He was still sleepy but was actually feeding so I was happy and his nappies were an excellent indication that he was doing ok. And my milk came in at about the same time as it did on our second son, which was day three.     

What I was not prepared for nor advised about was the havoc a section would wreak on my innards.  Oh my god.  I didn’t have a bowel movement until day three and the night before I had to call the night nurse and plead for some kind of relief.  I knew what I was feeling was not “after pains” although I was experiencing these too.  I was full of wind, gaseous, my tummy was so distended it was rock hard and feeding Liam that night was extremely difficult.  It was like being pregnant with twins who were having a rave inside me.  My stomach rocked and rolled, popped and gurgled and hissed until I was given a peppermint capsule.  I was extremely sceptical as I swallowed it down but within ten minutes, I was releasing wind for Ireland.  The relief was extreme.

The scar itself was not a problem.  It was the maelstrom of emotions after the operation that took me by surprise.  Nobody tells you about this.  I hated the fact that other people had to look after my baby for the first couple of days until I was in a position to.  I felt completely redundant.  I was also ambushed by feelings of guilt over my other children being at home without their mother.  I felt bereft and when I spoke to Mister Husband and the boys briefly each morning, I was in floods of tears afterwards.  Tears because I missed them so much and although, I was the first thing they mentioned when they woke up, I was quickly forgotten as they went about their daily business.  There was also, a very, very brief, scary moment that maybe this was not my baby sleeping peacefully in his cot at my bedside.  After all, I was unconscious when he made his dramatic entrance into the world.  Too late, though, I had already bonded and no-one was going to take this child away from me, be he mine or someone else’s.  Mister Husband later reassured me that he was our flesh and blood.  If I needed further proof, I only had to read the many emails that were pouring in from family and friends proclaiming that he was the spit of our oldest child and announcing that Liam “has his Daddy’s head on him.”  Another thing that I had heard about, and indeed, experienced the second time I gave birth were the fabled after pains everyone talked about.  But these were different this time round.  Much, much different.  They were so sharp, so vicious they literally took my breath away.  It felt like there was a fist taking hold of my entrails, twisting hard and yanking downwards with great force, so much so that I was woken up at times with my fist stuffed in my mouth in an attempt to stifle a cry of pain. 

Because I had haemorrhaged at home and lost more blood as a result of the operation, I was severely anaemic.  A healthy haemoglobin count is 13. The day before I was discharged, I was 7.5.  I was given an iron transfusion and warned that it would take up to five days to “kick in” but almost 5 weeks again before I would feel the full benefit of it.  

In the days after being discharged from hospital, I parked myself on the couch in the front room out of sheer necessity.  It was truly an enforced maternity leave.  The after pains were still coming as brutally as before and I was slightly worried about my blood loss.  Breastfeeding can mean that blood loss is minimal but I had stopped bleeding on the day I left the hospital.  The PHN seemed to think I should be bleeding more and a doctor advised that unless I was bleeding heavily, there was nothing to worry about. But I wasn’t bleeding at all.  There was also a huge build up of pressure in my pelvis.  That, coupled with unbearable cramping at times, made me very fearful of an infection or another haemorrhage. 

I was so glad to be getting out of hospital, I had neglected to ask what I should be aware of in the event of an infection.  Typically of me, I thought of the questions to ask after the fact.  Again, too late when I was home, it occurred to me that I hadn’t received any after care advice either.  I’d had various people at different times visit my bed side with leaflets on contraception, sterilising bottles, post natal depression, pelvic floor exercises and a how-to register your baby pamphlet.  Bearing in mind that this was my third child, I considered myself to be fairly well versed in those matters already, but was pretty clueless in the caesarean section area.  Which is exactly why five days after discharge, I went back to the hospital presenting with the above symptoms.  Only to be told that they were all perfectly normal and to be expected.  At the same time, I was put on a preventative course of antibiotics.  Just to be on the safe side.  I also replenished my supply of pain killers and Arnica.

Your stomach is your fulcrum, your prop, your support and it is only when you have what is considered to be major abdominal surgery, you discover just how often you use your stomach muscles.  For everything.  Coughing.  Sneezing. Laughing.  Even brushing your hair.

There is a six week recovery period post section and during this time you are advised not to drive, to refrain from hoovering and carrying out any heavy housework duties, anything, in fact, that requires a pushing and shoving movement.  Carrying and lifting anything heavier than your baby is also very much advised against. What they don’t tell you, is how you’re supposed to carry on about your daily business without doing any of these things.  How do you ignore your toddler who has his arms outstretched for a hug, to be lifted and comforted after he has had a tumble?  What do you do when you’re down to your last drop of milk and cannot drive to the shops for more.  You can’t even walk there and back.

Mister Husband and I are blessed with very supportive families who rallied round in our time of need.  But I was still struck by how useless I felt.  There were days, especially in the first couple of weeks, where I was literally unable to get out of bed.  I suffered from sensory overload. I can recall one morning in particular.  I had overdone it the day before by having a family breakfast in town and then pushing the buggy around for a half an hour.  I was so exhausted the next morning, the sounds of our boys were like shards of glass piercing my brain. Mentally and physically over whelmed, I was reduced to tears. 

One of the little luxuries I was looking forward to after I gave birth, was being able to roll over in my sleep without having to get out of the bed to do so.  Three weeks after the section and I am no closer to this indulgence.  I may not have to leave my bed in order to change sides but I am still cuddling up to a pillow to take the pressure off my scar and I still have to be careful getting in and out of the bed. 

I realise I am only midway, at the very least, through the recovery process.  It is not going to happen overnight.  If some of what I’ve been reading of late is to be believed, the complete recovery time is a year at the most. I have read my fair share of pregnancy books and there is always a chapter concerning caesarean sections and a little piece at the beginning, imploring the reader not to skip.  And they are all the same.  They cover what it is like to have a section; the prep before theatre, what happens in theatre, tips for the mothers partner in theatre, tips for the mother in theatre, where to look, where not to look etc. etc.

I have yet to read a segment, any segment, on the recovery process.  Nobody mentions how in the early days the scar can become red and raised, often with a burning sensation at one end.   I never knew that numbness is very common.  That this can last for a year or more, indeed some women never regain full sensitivity.  Other women have complained of a breath taking pain in their shoulder.  This is deferred pain from the section and not the beginnings of a heart attack.  Another side effect is adhesions caused by scar tissue often needing more surgery to repair which in turn, can cause even more scar tissue.   There is also a one in one hundred chance that a section scar can rupture with a subsequent labour.   The difficulties of going to the bathroom are ongoing.  Haemorroids are a distressing pain in the proverbial.  But the hardest reality of a section, I am finding, is the knock it can have on your confidence to bear another child.  I am discovering that my family dynamic might have been changed forever.  At this very moment in time I am nervous, scared even, at the thought of becoming pregnant again.  I used to think that four or five children would be great.  Our family was going to be finished by the time I was forty.  But that has all changed now.  It’s something I’m not completely comfortable talking to Mister Husband about as he has already said that his family is not finished yet.  I can only hope that whatever decision we make will not have a detrimental effect on our relationship. For me, this last pregnancy was going to be a practice run for our fourth baby, one which I was hoping to have at home.  The fact that I had an abruption of the placenta could render me an unsuitable candidate for a home birth.

Certainly the odds are slightly raised that I could haemorrhage again.  All of these things, and more, have, at some stage, run through my head after the section and whereas I firmly believe that it is up to the individual to do their own research and have an arsenal of questions, at the same time, it would be so much nicer if a brief beforehand or immediately afterwards, was given.